Funny Quotes

• I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

  Woody Allen

• I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

  Woody Allen

• I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

  Woody Allen

• I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.

  Woody Allen

• If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.

  Woody Allen

• Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

  Woody Allen

• O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.

  Saint Augustine

• It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.

  Dave Barry

• The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.

  Dave Barry

• A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.

  Yogi Berra

• I never said most of the things I said.

  Yogi Berra

• If you ask me anything I don't know, I'm not going to answer.

  Yogi Berra

• Every man has his follies - and often they are the most interesting thing he has got.

  Josh Billings

• There's a great power in words, if you don't hitch too many of them together.

  Josh Billings

• Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.

  Mel Brooks

• I'm kidding about having only a few dollars. I might have a few dollars more.

  James Brown

• Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

  George Burns

• Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

  George Burns

• I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.

  George Burns

• When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.

  George Burns

• Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children.

  Samuel Butler

• If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style.

  Quentin Crisp

• California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.

  Fred Allen

• I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

  Fred Allen

• Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.

  Fred Allen

• What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement?

  Fred Allen

• Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.

  Robert Benchley

• I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.

  Robert Benchley

• A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than you love yourself.

  Josh Billings

• A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.

  Erma Bombeck

• Never have more children than you have car windows.

  Erma Bombeck

• Electricity is really just organized lightning.

  George Carlin

• In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.

  George Carlin

• Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

  George Carlin

• What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?

  George Carlin

• Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish.

  Chevy Chase

• I have never been hurt by what I have not said.

  Calvin Coolidge

• A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.

  Bill Cosby

• Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.

  Bill Cosby

• Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.

  Bill Cosby

• Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.

  Bill Cosby

• I'd luv to kiss ya, but I just washed my hair.

  Bette Davis

• My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.

  Ellen DeGeneres

• I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.

  Rodney Dangerfield

• I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

  Rodney Dangerfield

• I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

  Rodney Dangerfield

• Brought up to respect the conventions, love had to end in marriage. I'm afraid it did.

  Bette Davis

• He would make a lovely corpse.

  Charles Dickens

• Most women set out to try to change a man, and when they have changed him they do not like him.

  Marlene Dietrich

• I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

  Walt Disney

• Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.

  Albert Einstein

• When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.

  Albert Einstein

• I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally.

  W. C. Fields

• I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

  W. C. Fields

• I like children - fried.

  W. C. Fields

• I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

  W. C. Fields

• Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

  W. C. Fields

• I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.

  Stephen Fry

• I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

  Mitch Hedberg

• I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

  Mitch Hedberg

• My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

  Mitch Hedberg

• Television has brought back murder into the home - where it belongs.

  Alfred Hitchcock

• Fashions have done more harm than revolutions.

  Victor Hugo

• People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.

  Ellen DeGeneres

• My inner child is not wounded.

  Shannen Doherty

• Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.

  Benjamin Franklin

• He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.

  Zsa Zsa Gabor

• For your information, I would like to ask a question.

  Samuel Goldwyn

• I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead.

  Samuel Goldwyn

• Life is hard. After all, it kills you.

  Katharine Hepburn

• The two basic items necessary to sustain life are sunshine and coconut milk.

  Dustin Hoffman

• A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.

  Bob Hope

• I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money.

  Bob Hope

• I am the literary equivalent of a Big Mac and Fries.

  Stephen King

• Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.

  Hedy Lamarr

• It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes.

  Jay London

• My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.

  Jay London

• God did not intend religion to be an exercise club.

  Naguib Mahfouz

• I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty.

  Imelda Marcos

• A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

  Groucho Marx

• A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

  Groucho Marx

• Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

  Groucho Marx

• Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

  Groucho Marx

• I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

  Groucho Marx

• I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

  Groucho Marx

• Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

  Groucho Marx

• Moderation is a virtue only in those who are thought to have an alternative.

  Henry A. Kissinger

• There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.

  Henry A. Kissinger

• Food is an important part of a balanced diet.

  Fran Lebowitz

• You're only as good as your last haircut.

  Fran Lebowitz

• Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.

  Jay Leno

• The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.

  Jay Leno

• Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.

  Oscar Levant

• I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.

  Joe E. Lewis

• The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love.

  Joe E. Lewis

• I can't even get three weeks off to have cosmetic surgery.

  Paul Lynde

• I sang in the choir for years, even though my family belonged to another church.

  Paul Lynde

• Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

  Don Marquis

• I'd never been in play long enough for the flowers to die in the dressing room.

  Mercedes McCambridge

• A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers.

  H. L. Mencken

• It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

  H. L. Mencken

• Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.

  H. L. Mencken

• I rant, therefore I am.

  Dennis Miller

• I'm like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess.

  Dennis Miller

• My Father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic.

  Spike Milligan

• I like marriage. The idea.

  Toni Morrison

• Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf.

  Lewis Mumford

• My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.

  Mike Myers

• Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.

  P. J. O'Rourke

• Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.

  P. J. O'Rourke

• Let's reintroduce corporal punishment in the schools - and use it on the teachers.

  P. J. O'Rourke

• Never fight an inanimate object.

  P. J. O'Rourke

• Never wear anything that panics the cat.

  P. J. O'Rourke

• Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected.

  Robert Orben

• Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.

  Robert Orben

• Airplanes may kill you, but they ain't likely to hurt you.

  Satchel Paige

• If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.

  Laurence J. Peter

• Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.

  Laurence J. Peter

• I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

  Emo Philips

• I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

  Emo Philips

• My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

  Emo Philips

• I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.

  Paula Poundstone

• Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours.

  Ronald Reagan

• I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

  Joan Rivers

• If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.

  Joan Rivers

• Never floss with a stranger.

  Joan Rivers

• I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do.

  Will Rogers

• I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.

  Will Rogers

• One man's folly is another man's wife.

  Helen Rowland

• I'm an idealist. I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way.

  Carl Sandburg

• I have a love interest in every one of my films - a gun.

  Arnold Schwarzenegger

• We'll love you just the way you are if you're perfect.

  Alanis Morissette

• I would talk in iambic pentameter if it were easier.

  Howard Nemerov

• The consumer isn't a moron; she is your wife.

  David Ogilvy

• I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.

  David Lee Roth

• I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

  Rita Rudner

• In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.

  Rita Rudner

• I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

  Bertrand Russell

• Be able to go shopping for a bathing suit and not become depressed afterward.

  Marilyn vos Savant

• Have enough sense to know, ahead of time, when your skills will not extend to wallpapering.

  Marilyn vos Savant

• All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt.

  Charles M. Schulz

• I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.

  Charles M. Schulz

• Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.

  Brooke Shields

• All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.

  Casey Stengel

• There comes a time in every man's life, and I've had plenty of them.

  Casey Stengel

• Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more.

  James Thurber

• You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog.

  Harry S. Truman

• By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.

  Mark Twain

• Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.

  Mark Twain

• Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

  Mark Twain

• Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.

  Mark Twain

• There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist.

  Mark Twain

• The superfluous, a very necessary thing.

  Voltaire

• Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.

  Mae West

• I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.

  Mae West

• A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.

  George Bernard Shaw

• Oh, the tiger will love you. There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

  George Bernard Shaw

• We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience.

  George Bernard Shaw

• I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.

  Lily Tomlin

• If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?

  Lily Tomlin

• If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?

  Lily Tomlin

• As I get older, I just prefer to knit.

  Tracey Ullman

• I think serial monogamy says it all.

  Tracey Ullman

• The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.

  Natalie Wood

• TV is chewing gum for the eyes.

  Frank Lloyd Wright

• A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

  Steven Wright

• Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

  Steven Wright

• Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

  Steven Wright

• Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

  Steven Wright

• I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

  Steven Wright

• I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

  Steven Wright

• I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

  Steven Wright

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